“I’m not good enough.”
“Who am I to…?”
“Why would they choose me?”
“I’m a bad mom, partner, employee, (insert any role).”
Sound familiar? I sure know them well. They’re the obnoxious and untrue thoughts that grace us with their presence. They make you feel small, shy away from following your intuition, and take you out of integrity. They are shame seeping into your being.
SHAME. How does the word make you feel? Uncomfortable? Awkward? Maybe it reminds you of getting in trouble as a kid? Blech. But shame is real. It’s something we all experience, and when it goes untamed, it impacts how we show up in the world.
Through Brené Brown’s research-based Dare to Lead course, I learned more about shame than I knew existed! First, guilt and shame are different. You feel guilty for something you have or haven’t DONE. You feel ashamed for WHO you are or aren’t being. Big difference, right? These thoughts telling you you’re not a good enough human are shame showing up … but good news, they can be tamed and reframed! Here are a few examples:
“I’m a shitty mom.” >>> “I didn’t react to my child how I wanted to in the moment.”
“I suck at my job.” >>> “I’m not doing my best work because I’m burning out.”
“I’m such an idiot.” >>> “I need some help to stay sane.”
Words matter. The second options give you grace and get to the heart of the issue. This is something to keep in mind when talking to your children. “Make better choices.” vs. “You are so naughty!” Or, “Get up off the couch and get your own snack.” vs. “Stop being so lazy.”
The second learning was, when you feel ashamed it changes how you show up in the world. According to the research, most of us respond to shame in 1 of 3 ways:
We move away (shut down & isolate)
We move towards (people please)
We move against (react in anger, sarcasm, or defensiveness)
Recognize any of these? Maybe all of them? The important takeaway here is to start noticing when you are being shamed by your own doing or someone else because it impacts how you feel about yourself, how you show up in the world, and how you relate to others. When we can recognize shame and name it, we can tame it and show up in our integrity.
Next time you lose your cool with the kids, put them in front of a screen for a couple hours/days, don’t respond to work emails at night, or don’t do ANY Sunday meal prep (gasp!), notice the thoughts in your head. Are you shaming yourself? Are you feeling like you are a bad person, mom, employee, etc.? If so, pause, show yourself compassion, and change your message. You are worth it!
Be You. Be Well.